Not A Philosopher

Or I feel less and less like one, anyway. And am really starting to question the role philosophy has to play in my life.

Before I go any further, I should preface this by noting that I am aware that this is largely the angst of a sheltered and privileged middle class white kid. I am in relatively decent health. As far as I know, none of the handful of people I really care about are at risk of dying imminently. I have a roof over my head and food and water. There are people with much bigger problems than me. But, over the last few weeks, thinking about university, work and the world of academia has been causing me to suffer panic attacks with alarming regularity, so I at least need to vent a little. So please forgive me.

I had my annual review meeting today. The point which provoked particular anxiety for me was the question about opportunities for teaching experience. Thus far, I haven't done any teaching. Which is fine with me. But if I am even vaguely considering a life in academia I need to do some soon.

The question remains then, am I considering a life in academia? Right now, the answer would have to be no. I don't want to be involved in university life any more. I don't want to be involved in education. I don't particularly want anything to do with philosophy.

Why, then, am I doing a philosophy PhD? Until about six months ago, the answer would have unreservedly been that philosophy is something I care deeply about and I have been given an amazing opportunity. And that is still the answer I give if questioned. But more and more of late the answer I should have been giving is that I have put a huge amount of time and effort in to it so far, and I am far too stubborn to let that go to waste.

It's not that I don't still care about philosophy. I found myself reading Levinas the other week and the intelligence and beauty of his thought and writing truly moved me. But that simply highlighted to me how little I feel an affinity for what I am doing at the moment. I can't see why it would matter. I'm not even sure to what extent I believe what I am arguing.

It's not even that I can't see myself having a career as a "philosopher". Just simply that I cannot possibly take that path right now. I need time away from that life. I've been in full time education for two decades now. There is no way I could possibly go from that to teaching philosophy as a profession. I need a few years to myself first. To try other things. To see a few parts of life which don't involve educational establishments, even if that is likely to be painful, unsatisfying and boring. Who knows, it might even not be.

The problem is that if I have any intention of working in academia at any point, I need to get things right now. I need to try publishing stuff at some point. But, more importantly, I need to get some experience teaching and I don't think I am likely to get that opportunity once I am done at UEA. But I really don't want to. I don't care enough about teaching to do it properly. I don't feel like I can spare the time or effort. I don't think I would be a good teacher. I don't think I would enjoy teaching, or the responsibility involved. More than anything, I suspect that it would be unfair on those who theoretically would be getting taught by me. I'm aware that having a disillusioned fool overseeing first year seminars is unlikely to ruin too many lives, but it still seems stupid to put myself in that position if it isn't necessary.

But I need to decide. Pretty much now. I either put myself forward and take on a responsibility that I don't want, risking my ability to work properly and my sanity in the process. Or I don't and risk shutting off that particular avenue in my life. Which right now feels like it would be a weight off my shoulders, but I suspect that in the long run I would consider a mistake.

I'm aware that this is the kind of thing I should have bought up during my review meeting. But I'm not good at talking about things like this. The words and thoughts are too heavy. They got caught up, trip over one another and stop making sense when I try to articulate them. They need writing down. Maybe that is what I need to do; put myself forward tentatively, but mention my reservations. But it doesn't exactly feel as though that is how these things should be done. It feels like I should be making this decision myself. I'll have to at some point.

But I don't know. This evening I am simply going to sit and eat jaffa cakes whilst listening to Joni Mitchell. Tomorrow I will take it easy, rewatching Russian Ark to decide what place, if any, it has in my thesis. And then on Friday I will decide whether to send an e-mail. I may regret sending it, I may regret not sending it. I'll let you know for sure in thirty years, I suppose.

In the meantime, advice would be appreciated. Or simply thoughts on the matter. Or furious castigation telling me to get over myself and get a sense of perspective. Anything would be better than nothing, if you've taken the time to read this far anyway. Thanks.